about my sister." Some of those were absolute side-spliters! The abbot asks, Is that it? My sons, 11. "Christian." A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up. With your elbow, push button 301. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.". Manage Settings ", Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. 00:00. I ran over and said, "Stop! Moses takes his club, wields it like a staff, raises his arms and miraculously the waters part, the ball runs through and up onto the green. He said, "I lava you so much!". They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad. as I pushed him off the bridge. They've got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!" When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.". "I think it must be the second coming," she replies. I narrowly lost a race to a female Catholic. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The minister says, Life begins at 24 weeks gestation. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- God Himself!?" "That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! Tasted TERRIBLE!" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.". To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. "I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats. A drunk man sits down on a subway train next to a Catholic priest. Here are ten Catholic Jokes that are sure to give you a chuckle!SOCIAL MEDI. After a few minutes the man turns to the priest and asked, Say Father, what causes arthritis?, The priest, obviously bothered by mans foul stench and abhorrent behavior, sternly replies, My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump." We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." .css-tadcwa:hover{-webkit-text-decoration:underline;text-decoration:underline;}Daniel Esparza - @media screen and (max-width: 767px){.css-1xovt06 .date-separator{display:none;}.css-1xovt06 .date-updated{display:block;width:100%;}}published on 02/23/18. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. The Catholic church is considering going all-in on gluten-free wafers At risk is cross-contamination. The man opens his newspaper and begins reading. "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you Because you have to sit in your epic pew. The priest replied, "I mean her legs.". Eat your supper.' Without humor this would be a lot harder. Go tell these jokes to a kid or your kids and laugh together. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John; he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it . However - Father John - that flashing neon sign that says - "TOOT and TELL or GO TO HELL" - has GOT TO GO!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/i] I have 17 wives. The abbot remarks, Is that it? Laughter is an important part of life and when it is coupled with Christian comedians you are bound to be rolling on the floor! Cop: No, no, much more important than that. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. She replies, "Because I swallowed the first. "All I do is draw a small circle in earth, throw my money to the heavens, and what falls into the circle I give to God". 14. Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?". Help us continue to bring the Gospel to people everywhere through uplifting and transformative Catholic news, stories, spirituality, and more. "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business! The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. Once again he told the boat that god will save him. the particle responds. After looking the parish over - the senior priest said, "Father John - your idea of a drive through confessional is wonderful. Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan. A Catholic and a Buddhist were on a quarrel on whose God is more powerful. Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard) Yes, he informed the couple, You can get married in Heaven., Great! said the couple, But we were just wondering, what if things dont work out? A priest is drowning in a river. He was frightened. His mentor - a "higher ranking" priest came for a visit - to see how he was doing. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. God, O.P. The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Cop: More. St. Peter: Who? A few weeks after her second husband died, Sandra also passed away. A priest dies and finds himself at the pearly gates with St. Peter. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth.". He hits His shot and it is a weak shot heading right for the water. At Sandra's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Your tummies might be grumbly, but spending time together will help the fast pass more quickly, and you can consider that grumbling a joyful noise unto the Lord! [/quote] He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should." Priest: But you're not Catholic. This I shall enjoy!" "Yes," says the priest, "your legs.". An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. An Eastern Orthodox priest was talking was discussing liturgical differences with a Catholic priest. ", The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. After looking the parish over - the senior priest said, "Father John - your idea of a drive through confessional is wonderful. Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." That's blasphemy against our Lord." Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! Me: I do. -This is the IRS. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon. Me: I do. You're not helping matters at all. "But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered. So have YOU ever?" Just become a Catholic priest and get them now. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. "I throw my money into the air and what god wants, he takes!". Perhaps, they should call their lists "Top Ten Films That We All Generally Write About." 1. An elderly man walks into a confessional. The other says "I wanna be a Lawyer". The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! Also I have 30 first cousins. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. I hope these jokes were helpful and brought lots of laughs. A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families. Mike. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! The couple sat and waited for an answer. for a couple of months. The rabbi says, You are both wrong, Life begins when the kids move out of the house and the dog dies., What Everyone is REALLY Thinking in the Cry Room, Laugh Your Way to Holiness with Catholic Card Game. Holy scriptures should be taken very seriously as well as any faith in general. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. "Met any Albigensians lately?" By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Chief: Important like the governor? I almost have a golf course!". St. Peter walks away through Heavens Gate to talk with God. They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. Philip Neri (the Humorous Saint), Francis De Sales, and Teresa of Avila, for instance, are not only known for their exemplary lives, but also because they certainly knew how to use a proper joke to good effect. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is. As a non-catholic, all I know about Lent is it's another chance to start up that New Year's resolution you already quit on. When she finally got there, she was astonished to find there was no . All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her. As the baker is working, the boy yells out, "My momma says there was a fly in the raisin bread.". He said, "Nobody loves me." The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. What is it my son? the pope responds. Jesus then turns looks up to the heavens and says, "Dad, I can do this on my own, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!" Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. The nun replied, "Oh thank heavens. "Oh no, Darby, look!" "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'" God is watching.' 20 related questions found. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!" Quarrel. Funny things help us get through the humdrum of life. There's something about laughter that can restore the soul and provide some much-needed relief from stress and pain. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. Chief: Who's more important than the president? With so much going on in the world, its important to take the time every once in a while and have a good laugh. "I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats. "Jewish catholic or jewish protestant?". The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?" "What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?" A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- During world war II, I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." Priest: Do you hereby indemnify and hold harmless the Catholic church for any sexual misconduct to you and your family for ever and ever amen? One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. You're blocking traffic!" Don't worry about it too much; God forgives." I'm Jewish" The rabbi looks the boy over and says to the priest, "out of what?". Finally Jesus is up. The Nun gasps and says, "What did you just say?". One goes limp when a child walks in the room. Via Pleated-Jeans 2. After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' The abbot asks . Catholic Jokes - Try These One-Liners at Church! St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair.". TOR are Franciscans. The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray, "Take only one. A nun teaching catholic school asks the children what they want to be when they grow up. Here is another one: Love24. Protestant or Catholic?" A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. Hit The Slopes and Jokes - 28 Cartoons about Skiing. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! The man wreaks of stale beer and cigarette smoke, his tie is stained, his shirt filthy, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. Joining Saint Anne's changed my life. David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis." said Pat. He says As Proverbs 17:22 declares, "a joyful heart is good medicine.". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Absolutely ruthless. 17 reviews of St. Anne Catholic Community "So I practically live at St. Anne's, between teaching Catechism, being Spiritual Chair for the Young Adults group, and several other ministries. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Christmas is when young children dress up in scary costumes, say trick or treat, eat candy. "There is nothing on this Earth for me." --Emo Philips. The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that." His father asked him three times what was wrong. One more and I'll have a basketball team." With so much going on in the world, it's important to take the time every once in a while and have a good laugh. St. Peter says no. by Javier Moreno. 45 Funny Christian Jokes. Please, please, please add your own good, CLEAN, Catholic jokes in the comments section. The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! ", Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" Roman Catholic Cartoon 10 of 269 results 'Do you have any previous experience as a Pope?' Cartoonist: Huw Aaron. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. "I've never been to Confession. "Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. Damian Szifron) Argentine writer-director Damian Szifron has a darkly hilarious confection in . 10 Hilarious Catholic Jokes. The boy asks, "Why do you say that father?" Next I asked a catholic priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas - that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation. Here is a look at 10 of the best Christian jokes out there! Today's Video: Eight Hilarious Religious Jokes The Catholic Telegraph 2019-08-13. Mary says, "I said I want to be a prostitute!" But the Pope persists, "Please?" Comfortable laughing at yourself and not taking life too seriously? The priest, beginning to think he may have been a bit harsh, nudged the man and apologized. Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business". I said, "Me too! The burglar stopped dead again. Praise be to God!, the Holy Father responds So whats the bad news? Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession. Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" Allow Necessary Cookies & Continue So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. 10 Hilarious Catholic Jokes. He said, "Northern Baptist." 52 Catholic Puns and Dad Jokes That Will Make You Either . The Catholic priest gets its shaft stuck in a minor. The priest continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I Lord?' thanks for posting them! Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning." You said it! By They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants." This happens yet again. Father O'Malley answers the phone. He replied, "No money in the bank." The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs. What if it doesn't work? Want to see fewer ads on Aleteia? Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins? "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk" "God's here, and he brought his girlfriend." My husband and I divorced for religious reasons. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?" Next up is St. Peter. The priest shakes his head Need a laugh? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- People get ready, the 45 best Christian jokes are coming your way! 10. Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, 'Is it I Lord?' Most people give up a vice they have, and the anticipation of the withdrawal really gets their creative juices flowing. I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. My sons, One more and I'll have a soccer team!" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. Funny stuff . Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! The local parish had a fairly new priest. Sincerely, Who is higher than the Pope? Bucket Lists, 20 Cartoons to Read Before You Die . To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.